Trip the Light Fantastic
by The Red Celt
Summary: X-post from the kinkmeme: A strange chemical has found its way into the Normandy's air supply and gets everyone stoned. Hilarity ensues, with a little FShep/Garrus fluff on the side. Rated T for pervasive drug references.


She realized something was wrong right around the time the galaxy map started to spin and she felt the irresistible urge to rub herself all over the pretty lights. She'd been staring at the map for a good ten minutes, trying to decide if there was any way to explain such behavior away that didn't amount to "I'm a grown-ass commander, I do what I want" when Kelly Chambers piped up behind her.

"Whooooah. Hey, um, Commander? I think there might be something . . ." Any other thoughts she may have had on the situation dissolved into giggles. Shepard turned around a little too fast and the trails of light reminded her of the hyperspeed jumps in Star Wars. She stumbled and fell hard on her ass, which Kelly decided was the most hilarious thing that had ever happened in the history of ever and she collapsed over her terminal in a laughing fit.

Something very strange was happening. She felt like her limbs were weightless and heavy at the same time, the lights and colors in the CIC were all sharper, and her own hands were so i_nteresting. _She stared at them for a minute, marveling at the tiny creases, aware of her joints flexing in a way she'd never noticed before. Shepard glanced up at the ceiling, trying to figure out whether she wanted to freak out or go pester Gardner until he gave up his secret stash of potato chips.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"I believe there is something wrong."

"Can you be more specific, Commander?"

"Ummm . . ." Shepard was fascinated by EDI's spherical projection—so shiny, all the lights were so nice. "You're _blue_. That's awesome."

"I am detecting a foreign chemical in the ship's air circulation. It appears to have originated from Doctor Solus' lab."

"Wow, okay. That's cool. I'll go talk to him now." She managed to stand up after two failed attempts and had to brace herself against the railing when she stood up too fast and the vertigo threatened to send her right back to the floor again.

She ambled into the tech lab after a minor detour around the perimeter of the holographic ship display (her legs felt like they had been replaced by hydraulic pistons and walking was suddenly the funnest thing in the world), and found Mordin standing in the middle of the room staring at a pile of broken glass on the floor. He'd made no move to clean it up.

"Heeeyyy, Mordin!" Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she should probably be concerned about the potentially poisonous toxins in the air supply, but the wave of euphoria she was coasting on made it very hard to be properly alarmed. "EDI says there's something in the air? And that it probably came from here? So I was wondering if you . . . ummm . . . knew anything about that. You know." Her voice sounded so funny, was this the way it sounded to everyone else? She hummed a few bars of "Mr. Roboto" to test the theory but couldn't come up with anything conclusive.

"I broke it." After a long pause, Shepard realized there would be no forthcoming explanation.

"Yeah, looks like it, Mordin. What was in it, pray tell?"

"Some experimental anaesthetic, not unlike nitrous oxide." His voice was a lot slower than his usual speed-rap and he finally looked up at Shepard. His pupils were a little bigger than usual and a _fascinating_ shade of reddish-brown. She was having a hard time concentrating on what he was saying over the urge to hug him. Funny how she'd never noticed until just now how adorable he was, like a froggy teddy bear. But that made no sense at all. She frowned and settled for rubbing the wall. "Mixture of different chemicals. Supposed to create a sense of well-being and relaxation, but results have shown it to react more like old Earth psychedelic compounds."

"Oh yeah? Which ones?" She had to cross her arms and clamp her hands under her armpits to keep from reaching out to touch his suit; it was so neat and stripey.

"Psilocybin cubensis, Methylenedioxymethamphetamin e." She nodded like she understood those words at all. She was more impressed he was able to pronounce them since, given the way he was swaying off-balance, he was feeling the effects, too. "None of the harmful side-effects, but neural reaction similar. Was running tests when I tripped on a datapad and . . . I broke it." He looked sheepish, and Shepard thought that was a really weird way to describe a salarian. They weren't wooly at all. "Effects should wear off after a few hours, do not anticipate any adverse levo-dextro reactions."

"So just ride it out, huh?" She'd made it through worse highs than this before. Totally doable. Yeah.

"Correct." He wandered off dreamily and retrieved a small vacuum (_space dustbuster, _she thought with a snicker) from the wall to clear up the broken glass, and Shepard went to the CIC and yelled at the ceiling.

"EDI! Get everyone to the mess hall, I need to talk to them."

"Are you referring to the ground team, Commander?"

"Yes! I need them!"

"You do not need to shout."

"Whatever, Dave. I do what I want." She started toward the cockpit grumbling, "I'm the goddamn commander, I'll shout at the computer if I feel like it."

Joker swiveled around in his cushy chair (yeah, yeah, brittle bones man gets the sweet chair, but was a padded leather chair for the savior of the motherfucking galaxy too much to ask, _Illusive Man?_ Pretentious asshat.) and pouted at her.

"Did you know there's no pizza within three relay jumps of here?"

"Really? That _sucks_." Pizza would be _fantastic_ right now. "By the way, Mordin wanted me to tell everyone that we're gonna be stoned out of our tits for a while, but it's cool."

He sniggered. "You just said tits." She tried for serious commander face but it broke apart almost immediately and she busted up laughing, which was enough to set him off too, and she had to lean against the doorframe to avoid falling on him and shattering his legs.

A klaxon blared and she clapped her hands over her ears. The red lights were drilling into her head and she couldn't think around all that god-awful racket. It stopped almost as quickly as it started, and the comm link on the pilot's console beeped. Garrus' face popped up on the display a moment later.

"Sorry, Joker. Crisis averted," said Garrus. He was slurring a bit, and looked to be having some trouble coordinating his mandibles.

"What the actual fuck, Garrus?" Shepard yelled, and she stumbled over to the comm to death-stare the turian on the display for harshing her zen.

"I must have . . . hit the wrong button or something." He gestured vaguely at his terminal.

"Garrus, I'm gonna need you to get away from the giant guns right now."

"But I was in the middle—"

"—of blowing up the ship? Get your high ass up here before you kill everybody. That's an order." She giggled again as her brain decided that right now was a great time to wonder what Garrus' ass looked like, and if it was as scaly as the rest of him. She'd probably have to grab it to be sure. For science.

She turned back to Joker and asked, "No pizza?"

"None at all."

"That's a crying shame. That'll be the _first_ thing that changes when we save the . . . everything. Pizza delivery to the Terminus Systems."

"Cool. I'm gonna order about a thousand and send them to the Council." Joker started laughing again and managed to choke out, in his best Udina impression, "This is an outrage!" Shepard collapsed into paroxysms of glee and rolled on the floor holding her sides. That was how Tali found her when she'd succeeded in weaving her way up from engineering.

"Shepard! I love you," the quarian said, pulling Shepard up from the floor and into a hug. She was really warm and her hood was all different colors, which was super cool. The way her mask lit up when she talked was mesmerizing. "You're my favorite."

"Your favorite what?"

Tali thought hard for a minute. It looked like hard work; she had to use her whole face. "Yes."

They stumbled back to the mess hall (her new hydraulic knees were _so fun_), where most of her crew had already gathered. Kasumi and Jacob were having a hip-bump contest and Jacob nearly ended up on the floor (the thief was in it to win it); Grunt was playing with his action figures (he had a very elaborate set-up that involved a pair of GI-Joes gunning down three charging dinosaurs and one Godzilla); Jack had to keep smacking Miranda's hand away from her tattoos but her face was much more peaceful than her usual chew-on-your-soul -and-floss-with-your-spirit glare; Thane was . . . well, Thane; and Zaeed was scowling as though the whole experience was offending his hardcore mercenary nature. Mordin came out of the med bay minus that weird metal collar thingie he always wore, and he waved enthusiastically at Shepard with a huge grin. She waved back and poked him affectionately as he passed her. Garrus rounded the corner from the elevator and looked as though he was having trouble supporting the weight of his armor. His back crashed into the wall and he slid down to the floor with a metallic thunk, rolling his head up to look at Shepard with the turian approximation of a bemused grin on his face. She did a headcount (twice) and realized someone was missing but she couldn't remember who.

"Okay, guys, I wanted to let you all know that everything is fine but some laughing gas from Mordin's lab escaped into the air systems. It's gonna be okay, though, so everyone just kind of . . . have fun with it."

It was a real testament to their ability to fight under Shepard's command, which was a very by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of style, that no one bitched about being high against their wills. Or maybe it was the fact that Mordin's concoction instilled, among other things, a near total lack of give-a-fuck.

"I think we've all gone through enough alcohol to fill a dreadnought," said Kasumi. "This is actually a nice change of pace. No barfights." Jacob bumped her but her wide hips just absorbed the impact.

"What about the mission?" asked Miranda. Jack had finally relented and let the operative mess with her tattoos, and the psychotic biotic was actually i_smiling./i_ Wonders never cease.

"What mission?" Shepard was trying to remember what they'd been doing before she turned into a walking ball of silly.

"The one where . . . we were going to . . ." Miranda's forehead creased (but didn't wrinkle, oh no, not Ms. Perfect Pants in a unitard) into a frown. "I forgot." She apparently found her brain's inability to function hilarious and cracked up, leaning on Jack. This sudden display of affection between the two women surprised exactly no one who had been paying any attention.

"Oooh! I remember!" said Tali. She grabbed Shepard's shoulder and leaned in conspiratorially. "We were gonna go kick the crap out some mercs."

"Oh yeah! We're not going yet." She yelled at the ceiling again. "Hey, Joker, how long until we reach our . . . where we're going?"

"_About sixteen hours_," said the pilot, his voice tinny over the speakers.

"Jesus wept, man!"

"_Hey, don't blame me. Cerberus forgot to install the teleporter when they built this thing_." He paused. "_I need munchies, like right now_."

"This is good," said Mordin. "Drug effects should wear off in eight to ten hours, mission will be unaffected." Without any preamble whatsoever, the salarian lay down on the floor and crossed his hands over his chest, humming to himself.

"Oh. Cool." She looked around and suddenly remembered who was missing. "Where's Samara?"

"Oh, um, I saw her a second ago. In the elevator," Garrus drawled. "She told me that the sky was full of stars and I said that that sort of thing is normal in space. Then she said something about how the whole universe was breathing and its neurons were supernovas . . . it got really existential there for a minute." He got lost in the readouts on his visor for a second before saying, "Your hair is so i_weird_/i. Like a fringe, only . . . _flexy. _ Like noodles." He snorted and started taking off the top half of his armor leaving only his undersuit from the waist up while mumbling about being hot.

"Says the armor-plated bird man," said Jacob right before Kasumi just about hip-checked him into the wall.

"Hey, hey, no picking on the aliens." She pointed to the two boys and was quickly distracted from her efforts to glare at them by the trails her fingers left in the air. "Either of you."

"Aye aye, Commander," said Garrus. He was trying not to laugh.

"I'm serious." But she was smiling. She compensated by standing over him, as imposing as her 5'6" could be while biting back a giggle fit. Her finger wavered at him.

"Of course you are." His shoulders were shaking and he covered his mouth with his hand.

"My hair is fucking _rad_." She shook it loose and held a lock of it up to demonstrate just how fucking rad it was.

"I still think it's weird."

"Yeah, well, your gun is stupid." Garrus couldn't take it anymore and threw back his head and laughed out loud. She slid down next to him, the both of them leaning on each other and laughing like loons. Shepard loved hearing that laugh, it happened so seldom anymore. She wondered if Mordin could give her a few doses of his new wonder drug just so she could hear it all the time. Garrus threw his arm across her shoulders and she started messing with his hand. My goodness, she certainly was touchy-feely today.

Joker limped into the mess hall then, rocking a crutch for the first time in forever. He was listing pretty hard to starboard and she worried about him falling, but he seemed all right. He immediately went to the cabinets at Gardner's post and started sifting through the boxes of various food stuffs. Jack hopped up and went to help him search for goodies and between the two of them they found a can of peanuts, some kind of crunchy freeze-dried thing that Garrus seemed really happy about, a few tubes of cake-flavored dextro nutrient pudding for Tali, some chips, and a package of chocolate bars. They piled the goodies in the middle of the floor, passed around some water bottles (Mordin advised against alcohol, as it could clash with the drugs already circulating through their systems), and set-to with a will. Even Zaeed was starting to get into the spirit of the evening and plopped down on the floor next to Jacob.

"It's been years since I've had real chocolate," said the grizzled old merc.

"Mmmm," said Thane. He was chewing thoughtfully on a pretzel, rubbing his leather-clad arms. "I must admit, this feeling is strange, but I like it. The lights in here are fascinating." There was a clattering noise as Grunt's dinosaur toys hit the floor and he cheered, waving his GI Joe in the air.

"So . . . we've got all night. What do you guys want to do?" Shepard asked around a mouthful of chips. Then she jumped up and waved her arms excitedly. "Oooh! Oooh! Let's have movie night! My quarters."

"We're not all gonna fit," said Garrus, waving his arm around the room indicating everybody.

"Sure we will! Come on." She pulled the heavy turian off the floor and pushed him toward the elevators, but not before grabbing a double handful of his butt. He jumped and spun around so fast he fell into the wall.

"What the hell was that?"

"Science."

He tried to scowl at her but she was grinning too hard and he couldn't quite manage it. "I'm gonna get you for that."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." He lunged at her legs and hoisted her up so she was draped over his shoulder. She squealed and pounded on his back.

"Put me down!"

"Hell no. Teach you to play grab-ass with me."

"Turian scum!"

"Human pervert!" He carried her into the elevator and Tali was laughing so hard at Shepard, who had given up on hitting Garrus' armored hide and was instead hanging upside down and trying to undo his armor so she could get a peek at his butt, that she was having a hard time breathing. Samara was sitting cross-legged against the wall when they all packed in and were miraculously able to find room while Jack punched the button that would take them to the top. Garrus realized what Shepard was doing right before she pulled the waistband of his pants back to see that no, his butt was _not_ as scaly as the rest of him, and he hurriedly set Shepard on her feet while Tali giggled and ate her cake paste.

"Good evening, Shepard," said Samara in her usual airy way.

"Hey there, Samara. How you holding up?" The blood had rushed to her head during her time hanging upside down and she was dizzy as hell, trying to regain her equilibrium. Had Samara always had freckles? Wow, they were really cool. Strange to think that she had been alive during the Renaissance.

"Well enough. I am familiar with this kind of situation." When Shepard's eyes widened in surprise, the asari smiled. "I was not always a justicar, Commander. The avenues of the mind are best traveled in one's youth, and my paths are well-worn indeed."

"Never would have pegged you as the type, Blue," said Jack.

"The ability to master oneself is hard-won for some, the ability to gaze into the abyss and allow the abyss to gaze back with no fear."

Shepard wasn't entirely sure what the justicar was talking about, but she was pretty sure it was blowing her mind. Garrus leaned over and whispered in her ear, "See what I mean?"

They left Samara in the elevator and trooped into the commander's cabin. She went over to the control panel on the wall and turned the lights off (then turned them back on and off a few more times to the delight of everyone), then the window in the ceiling turned opaque and the title screen of _Hero_ starring Jet Li queued up. Joker had claimed the couch, Grunt sat against the fish tank eyeballing her fish wistfully, Jack and Miranda lay next to each other on the floor, they had lost Jacob and Kasumi at some point (they were likely getting very naked right now in the observation room), Thane and Mordin sat on the stairs, Zaeed was falling asleep next to her desk, and Garrus and Tali were on the bed. Shepard lay back between them and immediately started rubbing her face on the blanket.

Garrus hmmphed at her. "And you call me a cat."

She poked his nose and said, "You totally are. You purr and everything."

"Well, you're furry. And you're scent-marking your bed right now."

"You're just jealous." She burrowed into his side and pulled Tali against her. Cuddle piles were definitely underrated.

"Shhh!" hissed Joker. "Movie's starting."

* * *

FOUR HOURS LATER

"This one sways in the wind."

The room was emptier now. Mordin's buzz had worn off quickly and he'd gone back to his lab, Zaeed had dragged his raggedy ass off to bed, Jack and Miranda hadn't even made it through the movie before sneaking off, Grunt had taken his toys and gone back to his tank, and Joker was back in the cockpit with the pretzels. Thane was currently sitting on Shepard's coffee table holding forth on the merits of hanar poetry to a mostly captive audience.

"The light of the Enkindlers shines upon this one's countenance. Forgotten are cold oceans as this one steps into the sun."

Shepard hummed in appreciation and rose up on her elbows. Garrus and Tali were playing some video game on the bed and Shepard was really enjoying the solidness of the floor. She was pretty sure she'd hit the peak of the high and was going to coast there for a while.

"That was beautiful, Thane," she said, making 'beautiful' into a twelve syllable word.

"Thank you, siha. I am glad you liked it."

"The hanar certainly do have a way with words." Thane nodded with a tiny smile on his face, then he stood and came to her, holding out a hand to help her up.

"I believe I am done for tonight, but I thank you for making the experience an enjoyable one."

"Least I could do."

"Sleep well, siha."

And then there were three.

"You know, you owe me," said Garrus. Shepard knelt down next to the bed and rested her chin on the edge.

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You've seen what's under my armor." He leered at her and flicked his mandibles. She'd learned that gesture was sort of like a human wiggling his eyebrows.

"I'm not taking off my clothes, you fucking letch."

"That's hardly fair."

Shepard suddenly leapt up onto the mattress. Totally without the intention of derailing that particular line of conversation. No, really. "Tali, leg wrestle me."

"What?"

"Leg wrestling. It's awesome." Tali was game, and after a little instruction lay down on the floor next to Shepard, head to foot with their hips together, arms locked. Garrus' face appeared over the edge of the bed to watch.

"Okay on the count of three, kick your leg up and wrap it around mine, then pull back. Whoever gets flipped over first loses."

"Oh, you're going down, Shepard," Tali giggled.

"We'll see about that. One . . . two . . . three!" Shepard kicked her leg up and locked it with Tali's and tried to flip her. They were pretty evenly matched at first, but Shepard hadn't factored in the strength Tali had built up just by wearing her suit all the time. With one last pull, Shepard went ass over teakettle and rolled giggling on the floor. Garrus just chuckled and shook his head as if to say _Humans are weird._

Soon after that, Tali stumbled back to engineering for some sleep before they hit the merc base. Shepard hugged her tight and tried to tell her how much it meant to have her there just by squeezing her. Tali seemed to understand anyway and bumped her forehead against her friend's before heading off to bed.

And then there were two.

* * *

She climbed back up on the bed and lay down beside Garrus, her best friend in the galaxy. Now that the silliness of being high had worn off, she was relaxed and happy, suffused with the idea that 'All will be well, and all manner of things will be well.' The ship felt so much more like home with him there, the fact that they were alone in her quarters for the first time strangely not weird at all.

"You know what's really amazing?" Shepard asked, gazing at the blue shimmer of the mass effect fields outside her window.

"No, what?" The turian's voice was low and warm like a blanket. The flanging was almost tangible, and it resounded in her ears like a softly plucked bass note.

"We're from different planets. Two different species way the hell across the galaxy from each other, and here we are being friends. Talking to each other. It's just . . . you know, that once you peel past all the bullshit, we're all pretty similar."

"Mmm hmm." He'd been wordlessly holding her hand for about twenty minutes now, and while the grip should have been strange with the difference in digits it was as natural as breathing. She wasn't sure what that meant, if anything. "No one could have ever seen this coming a hundred years ago. Hell, even forty years ago. I don't know if anyone has ever had this many different species on the same team before."

"Just lucky, I guess."

"No, it's because you're _you_." He rolled his head to look at her and Shepard was suddenly very aware that she was mere inches away from him, and was still holding his hand. "You really see people for who they are. It's part of what makes you so good at this. Why you're one of the only people who could pull this off and _win_."

"While I appreciate the vote of confidence, I'm sure there are others out there who could fight this fight."

"Maybe, but they wouldn't have me, and we both know you couldn't do this without me."

She chuckled and reached over with her other hand to slap his chest, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her close. Her heart started pounding and she looked at him, the guy who always had her back, who had followed her into so many bloody battles she'd lost count, who'd been her rock after she'd been brought back. She didn't know if she'd felt like this before or if it had taken Mordin's accidental intervention for her to really see it. Garrus leaned in a little closer, giving her plenty of time to cut and run, but she didn't want to.

"Just . . . let me do this one thing," he murmured. "Before I lose my nerve." He closed the distance between them and touched her forehead with his, his free hand stroking her hair.

"I thought you said my hair was weird." Her mouth was dry and having Garrus so close was making it hard to think. She wanted . . . she wasn't sure, just that she wanted more of it.

"It's starting to grow on me."

Shepard tilted her face up and lightly brushed her lips against his mouth. He couldn't really reciprocate but he let her try, and seemed to like it well enough. "Stay with me?" she whispered.

"Absolutely." He pulled her close and she felt herself relax even more in the circle of his arms. "I'll always be here when you need me." He leaned in to whisper against the cup of her ear, "But you still owe me."


End file.
